I'm returing to this after months (years?) of slacking off. So much has happened that I'm not certain I can continue the happy "sex is wonderful" theme all the damn time. So forgive any depressing posts. For a long time I was writing to an imagined audience. Like what I might write - and what you may think as a result - will effect my overall well being. Like I should project for that imagined audience. I'm fucked up, aren't we all, let's get on with it. From here on out, this will be a much more totally truthful (as opposed to selectively truthful) diary.

Right now, I'm working at a job where, I'm certain, if I made mention of my personal freethinking sexuality I'd be ostracized if not fired. And the crude comments made on the call floor by my co-workers make me understand more and more that most of America is not ready for a true sexual revolution.

I'm a rather calm person, I think. You could scream at me (and many of the clients do, because of things I have no control over, nor can change) and I'll be quietly contemplating what I can do to help rather than get defensive. Most of the time it's not enough. But I understand the frustration. Where am I going with this. Good question.

At work, I deal with a lot of intolerance. The Christian can't understand why the Upper Level powers that be would say "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas". And it seems that they've waited 30 minutes on hold to yell at me, an employee on one of the lowest tiers, about it. What the hell am I going to do about their bruised religous egos? With everything else going on in the world, this! is what captures their energies?

Then I'll get the fabolous customer who compliments me on my voice and has decided that he wants to take me fishing with him. Until I let him down by revealing that I'm married. We're only flirting....

Sex has been strange. I'd thought I'd gotten past the body issues that plagued me in my teen years. I thought I was pretty well adjusted. Well, ten pounds later and I can't get the "unattractive" image out of my head. Which is doing wonders for my husband, believe me.

So here we go again. I don't expect many people to be reading. This is likely going to get worse before it gets better. And I know my creative writing skills have languished in the last year or so. Or should I say, my vocabulary? Whatever. I've decided that this is for me. Read at your own risk.

Ahhh....

So has it been awhile?

For me, obviously. I'm dreaming tonight. I'm on a trip, all alone with one, two, or rather... was it three? Hmmm... just a dream.

I miss kissing. Real kissing - tongue and hands and lips and a feeling of, "God, I'd love to do this forever."

Anyone still out there?

Love and tongue, baby

GRRRRRR.....

Back in migraine-land again, my vibe has gone AWOL, M. (my sig.ot.) just passed out lying naked on the bed (that's what he gets for starting w/o me!), and I'm sitting here again getting my life force drained out of me by the evil box that has stolen my clear vision and given me pinwheels and sparklers to try and see with (or through, as the case may be).

So please overlook any inadvertant/inventive spellings I may miss. Frustrating evening.

Where the Fuck is my fucking vibrator!?


shhh..... hey listen - the snoring stopped....

I think I'll catch up here later. hehehe ;-)


BTW:
This is my new blogchalk:
United States, Arizona, Tucson, east, English, S K A, Female, 21-25, Pluralism, Emotional honesty and accuracy. :)

RE: It's All in the Stars. . .

I was wandering around the web last night and happened upon this blog.

Yesterday's post inspired me to check out my own stars. And while my Free Will Astrology Horoscope was certainly less directionally challenged than Karsh's - a quick check at another site lent some crediblity to these odd little twinges of forewarning or foreboding or . . . I don't know . . . that tiny pinch that something feels the slightest beat off center . . .

. . . hehehe, but then again - like Karsh said - horoscopes "are a big crock o' shit", right? So - here are mine . . . Whaddaya think, hmmm?

Free Will Astrology's Capricorn Horoscope for the week of January 1, 2004:

//San Francisco Chronicle columnist Tom Stienstra writes about the great outdoors. He sometimes makes long-term weather forecasts by analyzing natural phenomena like the quality of red onion skins, the thickness of winter coats on coyotes and deer, and the difference between sea and land temperatures in coastal areas. I, too, like to factor in clues like this with my astrological evaluations. To gauge your prospects for the coming months, I've gathered information on eagle nests, the horns of mountain goats, and cloud patterns over wild places with no roads. I conclude that for you to be in maximum harmony with cosmic rhythms in 2004, you should spend a lot of time wandering in the great outdoors//

Keen's horoscopes have been .:until now:. pure fluff. Just my luck - this one struck a chord. Capricorn's horoscope for Sunday, January 4, 2004:

//You are left with only half of an answer. The trouble with partnerships is the part of your closest companion that you do not yet know. Patience is required; don’t let anything appear to surprise you//

I've been thinking of women much more than usual, lately.
Some background - - - while I find every curve of the feminine form potentially erotic, women (as a general rule) aren't very often the subject of my mentally masturbatory flights of fancy. Not out of boredom or overfamiliarity, though. I've found that watching women fuck hasn't (as of yet ;-) delivered the same level of arousal as watching men fuck.

Visually, watching men fuck each other is much more immediately stimulating. There's more physicality there - more movement, sometimes. And while it is an obviously intense and intimate act - upon reflection, it also strikes me as impersonal. *The male autopilot(?)* But that's a good thing - it is porn, after all.... lol. I've really gotten used to the accesibility of that particular "on switch".

Enough so that when the memories from my threesome experiences drifted through my head, I had to recalibrate my viewpoint. Approaching those experiences (or any other I've had with a woman) visually is not where it's at. I've not been with a woman yet who hasn't been visually attractive to me . . . but that's not the good stuff. The good stuff, the electricity, the reason I want it is for that deeper, visceral, sensory memory. Porn I watch. Women I feel.

Another reason, perhaps, lives in the fact that I've only recently become an expert in getting myself off. So I'm curious, or maybe anxious is a better word, wanting to sleep with her even more, especially now that I'm a little older, little wiser, and a great deal more patient. And (just my luck) of course, in reality there aren't any prospects in view. But in my sensory memory projection of the future - her poon is silky smooth. And swollen. And wet . . .

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Second Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Moderate
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Moderate
Level 2 (Lustful)	Very High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Very Low
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Very Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Very Low
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)	Very High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Low

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

Your Ultimate Purity Score Is...
Category	Your Score	Average
Self-Lovin'	40% When I think about you - or anyone - I touch myself	65%
Shamelessness	61.9% It takes a couple of drinks	79.4%
Sex Drive	52.6% A fool for love, but not always	77.7%
Straightness	5.4% Knows the other body type like a map	44.9%
Gayness	41.1% At least one weekend of ecstacy	83.4%
Fucking Sick	73.5% Dipped into depravity	89.9%
You are 47.31% pure Average Score: 72.6%
Take The Ultimate Purity Test and see how you match up!

Tastes and interests represented, served: Those belonging solely to the author, originator, envisionary.

Pleasurable musing entitled:
Stand-in - or Body Double - or Physical Filler (?!) - or maybe just ‘Body’ . . .

hmmm . . . . Call him Bastian.


Idea - a person (hired, acquired, etc) to satisfy the varying physical desires left in the wake of life vs. the relationship. (Otherwise known as extenuating reasons, circumstance, divergent interests, degrees of interest, differing valuation, etc.) This person devoted to only one member of said relationship. In devotion, however, to me, he consequently does assist my beloved (add detail)

So, now, ISO - male. Orientation open, with one condition: Must be authentic, must be genuine in desire, pleasure and the actions performed. Translation: if you’re not at this time incredibly into women, a woman, potentially this woman - if that is the case and you are without that interest, this position will have very little to offer you.

Age - 18-27 (must possess experience, yet able/willing/wanting to remain subordinate)

Height - 5'9" - 6'0" (give or take). Must, of course, be taller than I am.

Weight - negotiable, potentially ranging from 160-190 lbs (allowing for muscle mass or the absence of)

Body - Smooth, or very nearly so. While perfection is not a requirement, tone, moderate definition and especially proportion, are. Ideally, for Bastian, the torso is shaped like an inverted triangle, obvious usually only in the years immediately following maturation, depending on body type. Developing arms, legs - they should have muscle, not the other way around.
--- Soft, round ass. Cut, thick cock, ideally 6.5 to 7.5 in length.
--- Must be keenly aware and confident in use of his hands. They must be broad, with some evidence of work. Too soft and pleasure is sacrificed for comfort. In his hands need lay hours of caresses, exploration occurring for its own sake, its own pleasure. His hands must embody the drive of his desire.
--- He must be sensually receptive of his own pleasure as he acts for mine, not preempting one for the other. At times, languid. Possessing, though not advertising, strength. Vibrationally Carnal.

Mind - Before all else, must have divided emotional involvement from sexual and passionate actions; from drives and desires. Must have conquered his own jealousy (potentially needs to be able to assist others in that area as well). Intelligent, reasonably knowledgeable, though more focused in his personal choice of arena than general information.
--- While he needs no extended questioning to extract his ideas, neither does he waste words. Preferably not the overtly talkative type.
--- Patient, capable of delaying pleasure to produce greater end result. Ideally in tune with subtler communications than conversation. Intuitive, a plus. ^this needs work!^

No mind games, reasons as follows.
---- a. they degrade/debase the experience/situation in which they are played.
---- b. the existence of said games denotes superficiality, as genuine reaction, emotion, depth, etc. are not possible in at least one of the parties involved.
---- c. whether or not the ‘player’ feels the game has concluded as he intended, there is no real way to profit from it, rather, all involved lose.

More specifically, what this Bastian be expected to do -

Focus on one thing - the only erogenous zone I have - the entire body. Understand variety, its applications.

The kiss - in any, possibly all of its heated permutations. Endurance and skill are both requirements. As well as savoring what the simple kiss, turned deep, french and hungry can inspire or inflame.

Touch. Not so much affection as interaction. Varied, attentive, oftentimes, self-directed. Also, perhaps, especially - the frequent initiation of touch. Something I need to learn myself - the comfort of familiarity through experience being the most positive route. Massage, manipulation and relaxation of a tired body.

The ability to lead, or rather, allowing another to relax into the experience of relinquishing control. To maintain trust, understanding its inherent fragility. Handling and directing the flow of the action, without patronization, coercion, or negativity.

Finally - To be able to step aside, when no. 1 is available to me. To be able to do so smoothly, unobtrusively - without feeling slighted, without anger or jealousy.

Tomboy

What's your sexual appeal?
brought to you by Quizilla

You have a mysterious kiss. Your partner never
knows what you're going to come up with next;
this creates great excitement and arousal never
knowing what to expect. And it's sure to end
in a kiss as great as your mystery.

What kind of kiss are you?
brought to you by Quizilla